An Occasional Jon Sorensen constructed joke...
“There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.”
― Stephen Fry, Revenge
Just In. Brexit Update: Therersa May and Jeremy Corben Shocker.
Elon Musk's "Space X" finally makes it into orbit...
Summer 2019. Gretna Green, Scotland. My Gaelic is a bit rusty but I think I married the piper.
Donald Trump, left, prepares for State visit to Mexico.
Genetics News: Scientists successfully clone sushi.
...Let's Have Tea.....
Space News: A spokesman for NASA today
confirmed that they had been receiving messages
from the surface of the moon for the last 50 years
from Buzz Aldrin.
He then read out the message to the press...
"I never came back. That's not me who came
back. I tell you it's not me. You have to listen!
you are all in terrible danger!!!"
Just In: The Grand Old Duke of York (played by guest star Jeremy Corbyn), (above), complained today about his Brexit tribulations. "Look, I've marched my men up the hill and down again only to march them up again". He added in a voice trembling with virtue signalling fury, "It's a question of free trade for the people. I have grown my courgettes this year on my allotment with firm plans to sell them at the EU shopping mall in Strasbourg, signed by me, at 100 Euros a pop. Now I will have to sell them for a quid apiece at Covent Garden market. What use is that to your average working man or champagne socialist? Frankly I blame Boris Johnson, who can't stand courgettes, which, according to Trotsky is clearly the vegetable of the people and the proleteriat, even if they can't afford them any more these days. He paused for a second before adding, definitively, "Or is it a fruit? We'll need to have another referendum on that. Ill get the Supreme Court on the 'phone".
More Space News: A triumphant NASA today released a deep space photograph finally proving that God likes doughnuts.
EEC to ban import of British self-assembly homes.
The X-Files Update: Dana Scully's telekinetic baby gets pissed when she threatens to take away its' I-Pad.
Social Network News: Facebook friends reunion goes off without a hitch. "We're working on it", said a proud Mark Zuckerberg.
Hollywood News: Quentin Tarantino to re-boot
E.R. Nesbitt's "The Railway Children".
Health News: British National Health Service to recruit new dentists. A spokesman for Regents Park Zoo said, "He's fine. He's getting the hang of it, and he's a dab hand with a pair of pliers".
Marine Biology Update: Fish are evolving and have so far lost 40% of their sense of smell.
For Spike Milligan...
Space Exploration News: Israel confirmed today that it had colonised the Moon. Its' spaceprobe "Quatermass One" had not long triumphantly touched down on the planet smashing itself to smithereens, scattering the alien occupants over a wide area. A spokesman for the mission team, Professor Chayim Tardygrade, explained, "It's perfect, these little bears we sent as crew eat nothing but Clangers, which we've never managed to understand anyway, since they speak no known language". A dismayed spokesman for The Clangers, a Mr Soup Dragon, said later, "It's a bit much this. Professor Tardygrade is well out of line. They also eat all the green soup which puts me out of a job".
"My Daddy got me this dog..."
Plastics News: Millionnaire Victor Vescovo was triumphant as he dived 11 Kilometers down into the Mariana Trench but resurfaced dismayed at what he saw on the bottom. " It was a Yellow Submarine, I tell you, and the damned thing was definitely made of plastic . What's more there were four blokes in it,
I swear, and one of them had the gall to wave ".
Animal Welfare News: Just in. Growing epidemic of dogs finding illegal stills in the Catskill Mountains.
Consumer News: Sears and Roebuck's live testing of their new industrial "Pit And The Pendulum" bacon slicer proves a disastrtrous disappointment. A spokesman for the company expained why they were withdrawing the product, "The idea was that you eat the bacon first and then slice it. This would have saved time for the busy lifestyle consumer. We are frankly shocked it did'nt catch on. The product also serves as a very quick and natty solution for cutting your toenails and nosehairs. Wanna buy one cheap?".
Technology News: In an effort to
help in the fight against Global Warming, a Transylvanian company
reveals its' newly patented, planet friendly, clothes dryer. A spokesman for the company said, "We believe in using totally replenishable local resources not to say local blood...
...I mean talent".
Real Estate News: Chinese prescence suspected in Antarctica.
Former Prime Minister David Cameron completes his memoirs.
With the UK to leave the European Union on October 31st, the British delegate is invited to a special Halloween Party in Brussells to toast the deal.
Reality T.V. News: After British Network I.T.V. cancelled The Jeremy Kyle Show due to a guest comitting suicide after being humiliated and torn to shreds, top ITV Producer William G. Muckraker announced its' replacement programme in the slot. "We are convinced " Der Bunker ", which is set in a coal bunker in Berlin, will be a winner in the family viewing stakes. We just put some people, who have been psychologically vetted as insane, into the bunker for several weeks, and then just see what happens ". (Nigel Kneale, whose 1968 television play "The Year Of The Sex Olympics" predicted all this, was unavailable for comment due to having died in 2006.
composed by me
many years ago,
to sound Hollywood
and a wee bit satirical".
Health Service News: A well known scientist in the midst of experiencing an electrical discharge from his home appliances finds he has to wait 5 hours to be put through to the 111 emergency medical service of the British National Health Service. A spokesman for the government said later, "This keeps happening. So we decided to plug him into the national grid, since this clearly constitutes carbon neutral energy. We all have to do our bit. And besides that he makes himself useful for police Taser practice, especially when he constantly runs around his neighbourhood shouting "It's alive!!" to local villagers".
HEALTH SERVICE 111
Gender Equality News: NASA agrees to extend the
duresdiction of the "Me Too" movement into Outer
Space after an incident on the International Space
Apps News: You may already have an App which keeps an eye on all your other Apps. But now you can have an App which keeps an eye on the App keeping an eye on all your other Apps, whilst keeping an eye on itself. Why be left out? Initial installation is totally free. The App will automatically connect to your bank account and empty it out without your having to do anything. The built-in live microphone software automatically translates into Chinese and Russian and plays the theme from "The Godfather".
Simply download from the link, which is next to the disclaimer in Serbo-Croat absolving us of any future liability, emotional damages, or arrest by Interpol.
News from the E.E.C. Village: A newly arrived committee member, calling himself Number 6, was asked outright by a demented E.E.C. Number 1, (guest star Jean-Claude Juncker), "When was the last time you saw an honest politician in the Village or believed in our Village Politics?". Number 6 then answered (as above), before furiously resigning, banging his fist on the table, getting into his Mini-Moke, and eloping with a Miss Rover who herself added later, via the village social media, where she is known as "The Wild Rover", "I've had it up to here with this business of constant slow suffocation of citizens and pointless argy-bargy around this E.E.C. village, you know? Of being treated like any other weather balloon. Number 6 and I just want to be left alone now to live our lives and raise our own little balloons in peace where no-one can possibly find us. Namely, Portmeirion in Wales...or anywhere else well outside Brussells". Number 6, now free to call himself Patrick MacGoohan once again, added, "I'm a free man! No more will I have to be briefed, debriefed, filed, stamped, indexed or paid in Euros. Wanna buy a used penny-farthing bycycle?"
Body Dysmorphia News.
Gorilla demands immediate therapy.
5G Update: Chinese continue to maintain side effects of new mobile network are minimal.
Miss Rover collecting her fiance
Mr MacGoohan from his celebratory Stag Party!
(Photo courtesy of Brides and Ballooning Magazine. All rights reserved)
At the wedding reception of Miss Rover and
a guest disastrously kisses one of
Miss Rover's neices.
Hollywood News. Bond 26 announces Boris Johnson as the new 007. The film's producers, Michael G. Clueless and Barbara Asparagus explained proudly, "He's perfect. Eton educated, misogynist, and clueless, just like Bond. We open the script with Bond flying in from his Scottish castle in Turkey, dropping into the lingerie department at Harrods and buying a present for Miss Moneypenny. When she opens it, he's bought her a jockstrap by mistake". Michael went on, "In a nod to the L.G.B.T. community, we are also casting the late Quentin Crisp as "M". Since he is dead he will have to be computer generated and we talked to Peter Jackson about doing that, but it turns out that Barbara has a really cool laptop she can do it on". Barbara explained further, "Boris is going to be sensational. If anyone can burn down the 007 stage at Pinewood, Boris is your man, let's face it".
Extraterrestrial News: After NASA announced that
it had picked up a repeating message via the Arecebo radio telescope, which apparently always ends
"...97, 98, 99,100!" they today made a statement of admission . A shaken but poker faced mission controller explained, "For years we have spent billions sending out endless bloody probes all over space to find any signs of ET life, only to learn now what we've begun to suspect for a while, that in fact all the other alien races have actually been playing bloody "hide-and-seek" with us. This is outrageous, makes mankind look like idiots, and is bloody bad sportsmanship. We even found one alien who had been hiding out in a sweet shop basement, living on Mars Bars, for 25 years , 10 miles outside Aberdeen! After a meeting with our top brass we have come up with a new strategy: Namely, we're going to peek through our fingers when they are hiding from us during the count. If they can cheat, so can we".
More ET News: S.E.T.I. announced today that after decades of tring to find extraterrestrial intelligence they had finally communicated with two alien polititians from the Alpha Centauri system. With dismay a spokesman explained, "Turns out their politicians are no better than ours. Basically we're screwed on a universal scale".
“A sense of humor, being born of perspective, bears a near kinship to philosophy; each is the soul of the other.”― Will Durant, The Story of Philosophy
Mr MacGoohan hurriedly taking pictures.
Unfortunately he forgot to load any film.
...and for my late, dear friend, Robert Fuest,
who had a rare sense of the absurd and a visual talent to match, these wonderful, wonderful moments...from his Dr Phibes movies.
Two Of Bob's paintings featured below...
"God must have the greatest sense of humour of all".
"...when I compose a track, I always start with the imagery. On this one, you start with the dour Scottish priest sermonising about music, and as it builds up, people are getting to their feet...old people are breakdancing and doing the Rumba, choirboys are playing electric guitars, and even the dour minister is dancing like John Travolta, and the Bishop is spinning on his hat...". Jon Sorensen